Reflecting on Rakhi/Rakshabandhan

reflecting on the rituals of raksha-bandhan (literally, 'ties of protection') - the indian festival in which a sister ties a thread on her brother's wrist as a symbol of love and embodying her prayers for his protection and the brother vows to protect the sister. sweet, right? but also notice the deep misogyny in the assumption that women can just pray and need men for their protection. the rituals can continue to reinforce messages that make worse the gender inequity in india. in many cases, the rituals can mask true feelings and impose a fake familial love for a day, which i think does more damage to the soul than good. another problem is what I find is the romanticization of some of these rituals divorcing them from their political and mythical history which was more colorful than the bland version i grew up with. the funny thing is that the bland version i grew up with only existed as a narrative and in conversation post-Rakhi-day. but as i grew up and was more privy to information, it was interesting to note how the actual play was anything but bland and marked by a colorful drama of family politics, hierarchies, allegiances, strife, and a bundle of amazing contradictions ... in the way only a large extended indian family can manage.  in school we wrote essays on the festival of raksha-bandhan. and in my days, it would have been unthinkable to voice a critical view of these practices in a school essay. i wonder if students still write these essays and if they have the freedom to write that we do away with the chauvinism embedded in these rituals. i hope that the new generation is changing; and in their change, also changing these customs; taking out the chauvinism, the misogyny and injecting a sense of gender equity. while change will be slow and spotty, i believe it might be possible to retain the good aspects of the rituals while throwing out the decaying parts. such change is probably already happening (i see some indications in how a few of my south asian friends are wording their rakhi messages). maybe we can use the 'rakhi' (the thread) as a symbol of care and respect, without reservations as to gender, relation, blood-ties; transcend the rakhi from sister-brother to between sisters, brothers, colleagues, friends, family, spouse - as long as we care for the well-being of that person (but without the sense that either party needs divine protection or is unable to protect themselves).

Sab Maya Hai

It's 5pm on a Saturday. I am still groggy from an afternoon nap and making coffee. It is those drip coffee thingies that you put a filter in, spoon in the coffee in the filter and pour hot water on top of that. Fixated at the water percolating through, I note the pretty patterns of oily bubbles on the coffee grounds. Rainbow colors. Nature is pretty. I find myself smiling in some abstract joy. But then I wonder whether finding beauty in simple nature things is an evolutionary trait. It helps find pleasure, meaning, purpose, will through life. I see emaciated and dead bodies of people who lacked this sense and succumbed to depression or lack of desire to live. And I again find myself smiling in some abstract joy at the wonder of shaping through evolution. And then, I think of the circularity of the whole damned thing as I wonder if this is maya. The illusion of the world.

Of Symbols and Spirit

Just read a great post about social Symbols in India. I think we can see the battle of Symbols to Spirit everywhere, be it India or USA. The Spirit of an action/emotion is first bound in a Symbol -- almost as an honor, as a proclaimation. The Symbol serves the beautiful purpose of reminding us of the Spirit that was first embodied in it. initially, the Symbol is one that is self-imposed, and granted authority by free will. But over ages the Spirit is often forgotten while the hollow Symbol remains, no longer serving as a reminder of the lost Spirit. Often, the Symbol, in trying to preserve its own glory, even perverts the Spirit and becomes a gesture of oppression and submission as it begins to be socially imposed rather than being a personal expression. While the Spirit of an emotion/action evolves with different individuals and changing times, the Symbols get set in stone (sometimes literally) and unable to change, they rot. The dominance of selected social identities (male, white, heterosexual, higher caste etc.) adds an extra factor by gradually eroding the Symbols into equations of power. So it is with the mangalsutra, the sindoor, the Karwa-Chauth, the sati, the dowry, the joint family, and the heterosexual marriage among countless others.

Gay Like US: Comments on an Article in Indian Express

 After a long time, I read an article which is delightfully complex and touches on the myriad of issues which shape the attitudes of Indians towards homosexuality.

The article makes an interesting declaration/acceptance of Indians' discomfort with their heterosexuality. It goes on to explore the link between sexism and homophobia. We are so entrenched in gender roles that often we actually start believing them as being essential to our existence. A simple example: even educated people would often think that the husband should earn more than the wife. When I came out as gay, the problem I faced from some friends was not about my sexuality but more about my gender expression, that I could be as gay as I want but I should walk in a certain way or not have the limp wrist :).

Another important point , also raised in the article, is that the gay rights movement in India has to stop hiding under the banner of AIDS! For though AIDS is one of the issues of serious concerns to the gay population, the make the two synonymous could lead to misconception in the minds of many that homosexuality and AIDS are inherently related. We need to fight for civil rights, and we need to do so by the right means, by the right names, and with the right alliances.

Recently BBC had another article which talked of social reform in India and had a section on homosexuality and Article 377 (the section of the Indian Penal Code which criminalizes homosexual acts and could even lead to 10 years in prison!) . Some critics of the article said that India has much larger issues: poverty, population, education and such like. Why bring up homosexuality -- that is not high on the list of social reform. Indeed if homosexuality is so insignificant, then why does the government waste its precious time trying to weigh down on the courts with its "moralistic stands" on the issue? Should not the government then spend every minute on the eradicating poverty?  Read also my friend's views on this topic.

Indeed as one person commented on BBC, Article 377 should be repealed, not because homosexuality is becoming a trend, not because there are other nations in the world which are legalizing homosexuality, but because tolerance towards sexual minorities is an ancient  Indian tradition.

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Yahoo! for Good - Make a difference this year.

Come Out, Come Out wherever you are!

On one of the discussions forums there was a long discussion on 'is there a need to come out?'. It was very interesting to read the different views. What I had not expected was a lot of people actually arguing that its not really necessary to come out, either explicitly or implicitly.

Some of the arguments were
1. It might hurt my parents. Do they really deserve that pain?
2. My gay life is very separate from my 'normal' life. So unless there is too much marriage pressure or something like that, what is the need to come out
3. It might alienate friends/family. Why complicate life?
4. My straight friends do not state that they are straight. Why should I need to talk/tell about my sexual orientation?

In what follows, I am not judging those who are in the closet for many personal situations might force that. Also, coming out is an intensely personal decision best made with proper thought and deliberation, but I don't feel the need to entertain bullshit arguments made to cover one's own limitations and to put down the effort of those who took the brave step of coming out.

In my personal opinion, each person who comes out to someone else, is doing his bit for the gay civil-rights movement.

Yes, coming out might cause hurt to people who care for you. But what is the cause of that hurt? It is not due to the son/daughter who comes out. Rather is the the social training in which even the parents are entrenched; a training that makes us think that heterosexuality is "normal" and all alternate expressions are deviant. It is the social rules and even laws that regard homosexuality as a sin, punishable by law (in some countries). It is the lack of everyday visibility of gays and gay relationships that leads parents to believe that their gay kid will never be happy or coupled. So let us not blame coming out or the gay child for their hurt.

Would it not be worse, to lead a lie in your parents eyes? Would they not be hurt more if they learn very late in life, that they never really knew who their son/daughter was, and their child never felt the closeness or confidence to confide in them?

As for gay life being separate from "normal" life I don't have much to say, save that (as far as I am concerned) I think of life as a whole, and not segregated into gay and straight compartments. Plus coming out is not something that is a last defense of a homosexual cornered into marriage! It is the sharing of something that is important to you. It is the explicit declaration that the person no longer wants to hide behind the implicit assumption of heterosexuality.

Of course, straight people do not have to announce their heterosexuality openly and in so many words. and yet, they can do so without fear of repercussion. When a guy boasts about how many girls he has slept with, is he not declaring his heterosexuality ? If the situation is really so neutral, why is it that a gay couple has to often think twice before holding hands at a public place while for a straight couple public display of affection is considered natural?

In a society where straight is the norm, and anything away from the norm is looked down upon, silence is the privilege of those who conform to the norm, for others it is the oppression. This silence is not one that says "it is not an issue"; rather the silence shouts out, "If you are different, do not show it; stay invisible, blend in, even if it means crushing your true self"

One could argue that with the media coverage of gay issues, and with shows like "Will and Grace" where is the invisibility? But really is a token Will and Grace show (a show in which the lead gay role is hardly ever shown to exhibit his gay side, except in campy behavior)enough for visibility? And the media coverage is largely due to either side of the political divide in this country trying to gain political mileage by either bashing or backing the gay rights. Its not all bleak though, and things are changing but there is still a long way to go.

There are organizations like HRC, NGLTF and such fighting for gay rights and legislation protecting against hate crimes and discrimination, but all the laws we could make might still not change the public opinion, which is finally the measure of social change.

It is in bringing about this social change that coming out can really make a difference. Many people have lost their lives just for being who they are. It is when a friend or member of family or someone close comes out that we can put a face to the gay community. It no longer remains this alien deviant thing they talk about in the news. For many of my friends I was the first person who told them he was gay. I was their first contact to the gay community. And it did a lot in placing the gay issues on a human and personal footing for them.

Make no mistake. It is not easy. my mother wept for months after I came out. It took her 1.5 years to completely accept my sexuality without subconsciously associating it with deviant behavior. But a few days ago I got a copy of a letter from her: she had written the letter to the editor of a Hindi weekly newspaper which had published an article with gross misinformation about homosexuality and the gay community. Her letter demonstrated a very good understanding of issues facing the gay community and she pointwise countered the misconceptions and misgivings expressed in the article. Such is the transforming effect of coming out. It almost forces people who love you to jump to the forefront of social understanding of sexuality and broaden their outlook. It is this social change I am talking about. And this does not happen in Congress. It happens in small living rooms.

Coming out could spark a dialogue among people who care for you. Some of your friends may confront their friends who make homophobic comments, thus increasing the sphere of social awareness. And finally awareness and education is what leads to change in general attitude in society.

Silence is a privilege of the majority. For the minority silence is equivalent to denying your true identity and blending in. This silence is deafening.

Foreign and Out on Campus

The University of Maryland, College Park, student newspaper did a  story on  'out' , foreign, students/staff on campus to catch a glimpse of the myriad issues they face.

Queering AND Browning the campus..huh?
The overall response was pretty positive. The only negativity I heard of was that one staff member in the department was overheard saying what is the need of such issues to be on the front page .... I guess the question is the answer in itself.
But without further ado, let me engage in shameless self-promotion by posting the article:

Comfort away from home

          

Campus an easier place to be gay for foreign students 

December 08, 2005
By Mariana Minaya
Senior staff writer 

Coming out of the closet in the United States meant more to sixth-year graduate student Ayush Gupta than facing the social backlash and stigmas that threaten many young gay Americans. He feared that if his superiors opposed homosexuality, he could lose funding for his graduate research position and have to return to his native India, and the subsequent task of explaining to his parents that he is gay.

Talking to his parents would not be easy, as some Indian families exert pressure on their sons and daughters to marry early and start families, Gupta said. Though his parents were accepting of his sexuality, Gupta said others haven’t had such a painless experience.

“It does become an act of courage to actually go in and talk,” Gupta said.

Some international students at the university find that moving to College Park makes it easier to be openly gay. Freed from what they consider cultural and social restraints at home, moving overseas to attend school in this area exposes them to openly gay people and allows them to think about their sexuality miles away from family pressure.

“It was much easier coming out in this country,” Gupta said. “I could actually mull over a lot of things without the presence of my family.”

A person’s family, surroundings and societal attitudes toward gays can play a significant role in how comfortable they are with coming out, said Luke Jensen, director of the campus’ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Equity Office.

“There’s this tension between sexual identity and national identity that can really complicate the experience a person has,” Jensen said.

Different cultures have varying attitudes toward sexuality and homosexuality that can potentially complicate a person’s coming out experience, Jensen said. Some formerly colonized nations, including some in Africa and South Asia, believe that homosexuality is an unhealthy phenomenon inherited from their Western colonizers. Other nations, such as some Latin cultures, have firm beliefs in patriarchy where men cannot be perceived as feminine.

In India, there is technically a word that means gay but it is not widely used, said Naresh Cuntor, a Ph.D. electrical engineering student from Bangalore, India. The lack of terminology made it harder to talk to his mother, he said.

“‘I don’t like girls’ is pretty much all you can say, and you really can’t elaborate too much because it’s your mother,” he said. “It was awkward.”

Although Cuntor realized he was gay at around age 13, he couldn’t put a word to his feelings until he watched a gay-themed movie about two years later.

Gupta said he had not even heard the word ‘gay’ until he got to college. In Calcutta, India, where he grew up, there were not many openly gay people and he was not exposed to gay culture.

For Gupta, coming to the campus for graduate studies was liberating.

“It gives you courage you to see other people who are open,” Gupta said.

However, even having the proper terms does not make embracing homosexuality completely easy. Shiva Sivagami, coordinator of Office of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Equity, who is from India, said when she immigrated to the United States in the 1980s, it was hard to identify with the lesbian label.

“The labels, to me, that was very white,” Sivagami said. “None of it reflected my experience. When I first heard the word ‘lesbian,’ the only lesbians I knew were white women.”

“The labels are a big part of the problem,” she went on. “The labels signify lifestyle; for a lot of people it may be a stereotyped notion of life.”

She said that because the public LGBT community is predominately white, it can be difficult for people of color to find a niche.

“They wanted me to leave my race at the door and just be gay,” Sivagami said. Conversely, “[The South Asian community] wanted me to leave my sexual orientation at the door and just be Asian.”

However, increased exposure to homosexuality usually helps students, including Gupta, Cuntor and fourth year graduate civil engineering student Roger Chen.

Chen said he was rarely exposed to homosexuality while growing up with his parents, who immigrated from Taiwan in the late 1960s. Although Chen has not told his parents he is gay, he has tried to drop hints and get them acclimated to the idea by talking about cousins who are gay and watching Will & Grace with them.

“Will & Grace is easiest way to do it,” he said. “It would definitely help if we had some gay Asian figures out there.”

Fifth-year graduate computer science student Ruggero Morselli said coming to campus made coming out more reassuring because he hadn’t met an openly gay person in his native Modeno, a city in northern Italy.

“I think what actually made the difference for me when [I] moved here on campus, there were many more openly gay students and homosexuality seems largely accepted,” he said. “That’s why I decided to come out of the closet. Maybe if I ended up working a job in Kansas, that environment would not have helped,” Morselli said.

Jensen said varying prejudices among religious and ethnic communities within the United States affect how people experience their sexual orientation.

“It’s very important that when you talk about these global or international terms that you not assume that coming to the U.S. is the solution to everyone’s problems. You don’t want to suggest that homophobia happens [only] there,” said English professor Marilee Lindemann, director of the LGBT studies program.

Although homosexuality isn’t widely accepted in India, male bonding is often more acceptable, Gupta said. Many people don’t blink an eye if two men hold hands or hug.

If fifth-year engineering graduate student Ayan Roy-Chowdhury, who is also from Calcutta, India, were to go back to India now, he might be able to hold his partner’s hand, but not in a way “that would convey that you are more than just friends.”

Some people in India hold the notion that homosexuality was imported from their Western European colonizers, Gupta said. But in ancient India, homosexuality was often accepted. There is a similar situation in some African cultures, Jensen said.

Gupta said he is optimistic that attitudes in his country — as in many nations all over the world — are changing for the better. While the campus has a relatively gay-friendly atmosphere as compared with some schools in the region, some improvements can still be made, Jensen said. Sivagami said she is working to make LGBT groups address the issues of minorities, including international students.

Gupta suggested that academic departments post visible gay-friendly signs available from LGBT organizations so students won’t fear their academic surroundings are homophobic.

“Having a supportive environment is not enough if that support is invisible,” Gupta said.

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Voluntary Service.

This is the thing about voluntary service. You cannot get mad about people not volunteering. Even if they are the people on the board of the organization. After all, some poeple mght be more into something than others. They will devote more time and energy than others. Tomorrow is Youth Pride. and there are so few volunteers for our booth. I lashed out a bit in the morning at people who were too busy to help out, but then I realised my mistake. I do this for I believe in it. I cannot force people to volunteer for that defeats the whole philosophy of volunteering.

When I was contemplating writing a blog, I was told by Scott that it should be for your own self. But is it possible to keep the readers out of your mind? Is it possible to post independent of the thought that someone might be reading this thing, this thought so private to your mind. And does the virtual presence of that reader not alter your very thought process? So that you can never truly put down unadulterated thought into a blog; to extend this further I believe one cannot really express unadulterated thought in language. The moment we try to bind some emotion or thought in words, we change it, for no words can capture in its entirity the complete nuances of even a single thought. The very attempt of expression alters the thought itself.

What language can do is at best an estimate of what the reality is. And under the guidance of an accoplished artist, the medium does estimate the idea/emotion to a great degree. but Reality, can only be felt, lived, never expressed explained or described. (Quantum physics has a direct analogy to this which I find very amusing - that the very act of measurement alters reality)

Its been a year since I have come out. 365 days ago, I was contemplating suicide. A year later I am celebrating life itself. After the love, the heartbreak, the depths of despair, the rescuing of one's own self, comes the celebration of life. Its has been such a journey. HE, the obscure object of my desire, is no longer my present, neither is his absense. He, his absense, his loss are now memories, some sweet some bitter -but a dream, whifs of scent from the past. In fact he is not real anymore. He is just a memory. That's what he will remain, until I meet him again someday. But then I will meet a new him, not the one that I knew. In that sense people who drift away from you in some sense cease to exist - they do so only as memory and you canrry with yourself the image of him that you had when he was with you. In that sense, he is like a photo album in your mind and thoughts - and as real.

But then again memories themselves have a life of their own.