On one of the discussions forums there was a long discussion on 'is there a need to come out?'. It was very interesting to read the different views. What I had not expected was a lot of people actually arguing that its not really necessary to come out, either explicitly or implicitly.
Some of the arguments were
1. It might hurt my parents. Do they really deserve that pain?
2. My gay life is very separate from my 'normal' life. So unless there is too much marriage pressure or something like that, what is the need to come out
3. It might alienate friends/family. Why complicate life?
4. My straight friends do not state that they are straight. Why should I need to talk/tell about my sexual orientation?
In what follows, I am not judging those who are in the closet for many personal situations might force that. Also, coming out is an intensely personal decision best made with proper thought and deliberation, but I don't feel the need to entertain bullshit arguments made to cover one's own limitations and to put down the effort of those who took the brave step of coming out.
In my personal opinion, each person who comes out to someone else, is doing his bit for the gay civil-rights movement.
Yes, coming out might cause hurt to people who care for you. But what is the cause of that hurt? It is not due to the son/daughter who comes out. Rather is the the social training in which even the parents are entrenched; a training that makes us think that heterosexuality is "normal" and all alternate expressions are deviant. It is the social rules and even laws that regard homosexuality as a sin, punishable by law (in some countries). It is the lack of everyday visibility of gays and gay relationships that leads parents to believe that their gay kid will never be happy or coupled. So let us not blame coming out or the gay child for their hurt.
Would it not be worse, to lead a lie in your parents eyes? Would they not be hurt more if they learn very late in life, that they never really knew who their son/daughter was, and their child never felt the closeness or confidence to confide in them?
As for gay life being separate from "normal" life I don't have much to say, save that (as far as I am concerned) I think of life as a whole, and not segregated into gay and straight compartments. Plus coming out is not something that is a last defense of a homosexual cornered into marriage! It is the sharing of something that is important to you. It is the explicit declaration that the person no longer wants to hide behind the implicit assumption of heterosexuality.
Of course, straight people do not have to announce their heterosexuality openly and in so many words. and yet, they can do so without fear of repercussion. When a guy boasts about how many girls he has slept with, is he not declaring his heterosexuality ? If the situation is really so neutral, why is it that a gay couple has to often think twice before holding hands at a public place while for a straight couple public display of affection is considered natural?
In a society where straight is the norm, and anything away from the norm is looked down upon, silence is the privilege of those who conform to the norm, for others it is the oppression. This silence is not one that says "it is not an issue"; rather the silence shouts out, "If you are different, do not show it; stay invisible, blend in, even if it means crushing your true self"
One could argue that with the media coverage of gay issues, and with shows like "Will and Grace" where is the invisibility? But really is a token Will and Grace show (a show in which the lead gay role is hardly ever shown to exhibit his gay side, except in campy behavior)enough for visibility? And the media coverage is largely due to either side of the political divide in this country trying to gain political mileage by either bashing or backing the gay rights. Its not all bleak though, and things are changing but there is still a long way to go.
There are organizations like HRC, NGLTF and such fighting for gay rights and legislation protecting against hate crimes and discrimination, but all the laws we could make might still not change the public opinion, which is finally the measure of social change.
It is in bringing about this social change that coming out can really make a difference. Many people have lost their lives just for being who they are. It is when a friend or member of family or someone close comes out that we can put a face to the gay community. It no longer remains this alien deviant thing they talk about in the news. For many of my friends I was the first person who told them he was gay. I was their first contact to the gay community. And it did a lot in placing the gay issues on a human and personal footing for them.
Make no mistake. It is not easy. my mother wept for months after I came out. It took her 1.5 years to completely accept my sexuality without subconsciously associating it with deviant behavior. But a few days ago I got a copy of a letter from her: she had written the letter to the editor of a Hindi weekly newspaper which had published an article with gross misinformation about homosexuality and the gay community. Her letter demonstrated a very good understanding of issues facing the gay community and she pointwise countered the misconceptions and misgivings expressed in the article. Such is the transforming effect of coming out. It almost forces people who love you to jump to the forefront of social understanding of sexuality and broaden their outlook. It is this social change I am talking about. And this does not happen in Congress. It happens in small living rooms.
Coming out could spark a dialogue among people who care for you. Some of your friends may confront their friends who make homophobic comments, thus increasing the sphere of social awareness. And finally awareness and education is what leads to change in general attitude in society.
Silence is a privilege of the majority. For the minority silence is equivalent to denying your true identity and blending in. This silence is deafening.
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